Hitting The Rockbottom
Hitting The Rockbottom
Early 2015
As the old adage goes, ‘grass is always greener on the other side.’ That holds true for all of us. We all are very envious of the overachievers amongst us, and also of the folks excelling in multiple different fields. We simply don’t appreciate that could almost be a bane more than a boon. Or maybe not. You might not be able to digest it but they aren’t special, it’s others who make them special. They are who they are. And they can’t be any different. They thrive on being at the top of their game.
They excel at one or more than one field, but they might not be amazing, or even below average, at other fields. It could simply be social interaction or making friends or starting conversations or taking care of finances. They direct all of their energies towards the field(s) they excel at. That gives them the kick. Nothing else interests them.
“The more you get hit, the harder you fight. I get it. Only now you are taking way too many hits before you get off.”
These were the words of the wife of the protagonist (Billy ‘The Great’ Hope) in the movie Southpaw where he is the reigning junior middleweight boxing champion. Hope thrived on getting a beating from his opponents for him to perform at his peak level. Just that now it was taking a lot longer.
All seemed to be going great for Hope but suddenly life came crumbling down. His loving wife got shot dead accidentally while he was in a brawl after being taunted by an upcoming boxer (Miguel). He tries to get back to life. His lavish life comes to a halt when he punches the referee out of frustration, after having lost a fight. His house and belongings are taken away to pay off his debts. His only reason for carrying on in life, his daughter, is taken away from him by Child Protective Services because of Hope’s reckless and suicidal behaviour. He hits the dreaded rock bottom.
There was a good reason he was the world champion to start with. He hadn’t become a bad fighter overnight. He had all the right ingredients. He had to dig in real deep to have any chance of getting out of it, whereas any other person would have crumbled under that pressure. He somehow manages to arrange a fight with Miguel, who by now had become the world champion. A fight that wouldn’t have been a big deal to win just a few months ago, takes Hope three to four times more effort to win.
Hope was a character who had to have all the odds stacked against him for him to perform at his very best. A lot of overachievers will be able to relate to such junkie behaviour. Hope was the king of the ring but didn’t know much else.
I can relate to that as I am going through a similar situation. Let me say it at the very outset that I am not looking for any sympathy. None whatsoever. I wanted to come out of the closet very similar to gay and lesbian people. It is not for telling the world that they are available. It’s more because they are done living a lie of being ‘normal.’ Same with me.
First a bit of background. I can not focus on any one thing. I need multiple things to work on at the same time to be able to perform at my optimum levels. I like to take on tasks that most would call impossible. Any lesser, and I am not interested. I am not able to function. It does not give me the kicks. That’s just me. I am not special. I am an introvert who you will find standing alone in a corner in social gatherings. I’m just a regular guy who likes stuff that I am really passionate about. And I wear my heart on my sleeve. Last six to seven months (lasted 2-3 years) have emotionally been the worst of my life where on two occasions I was suicidal. Yes, on the edge of taking the bloody plunge. I told you, I was ‘normal.’ I have no idea who defines that.
Interesting part is, on a daily basis I cater to my patients’ pains as I am supposedly a musculo-skeletal medicine and sports-exercise medicine physician. I happily take on the healthcare industry where I think patients are taken for a ride and surgeries are being done too soon and at times when not needed. I can’t let my personal misery affect me because people trust me an awful lot. But I guess it is very important for them to know that I am just a human. It might come as a surprise to them because I am the king of my consultation room where even ambassadors of other countries, bureaucrats, CEOs of top companies etc. trust my judgement completely.
It was me who thought up the world’s cruelest race in Leh - Ladakh which is potentially a dangerous event where participants can die, but I bring it a notch down and make it difficult. Friends from top business schools, army and medical fraternity had called it an impossible project and warned me that I would end up killing someone and also go bankrupt. It’s a run over a distance of 333 km to be covered in 3 days crossing three (555 km now in 5 days) of the highest motor-able mountain passes where oxygen content can be 40% lesser than at sea level and temperatures could vary from minus 10 to plus 40 degree temperatures. I get the very best ultra runners from around the world. I’ve been putting it together for last 6 years now. I also happen to be an executive producer of a documentary that’s done on the making of the first edition of this run.
This run happens every August. As I mentioned above, I was in an awful state this year even before the race started. I had no clue how I was going to pull it off. I simply couldn’t let anyone know as crew members and participants trust me with their lives. I had to dig in real deep to perform at my regular levels that people have got used to witnessing at La Ultra - The High over years. I almost never lose my cool there as I am of the opinion that it never solves any problem. That’s very different from what I am like in the plains. This year I had to make ten folds more effort to do what should come normally to me.
While I am there in Leh, to me the safety of my participants is of even more importance than them completing the race. But then I have a race to be run as well. Wearing these two hats makes it awfully difficult for even good medical teams to give it a medical cover. I have to stay calm but not let that risk anyone’s lives. I had to put my foot down as this year’s medical team didn’t understand the event well enough. To complicate matters, there were some serious issues with a crew member too. I had to put my ego aside and deal with all these issues, while being in an awful state on my own. It wasn’t easy would be an understatement, but for a lack of a better word, I’ll stick with that.
I also happen (was) to be the Director of Sports at Ashoka University and am an Associate Editor of British Journal of Sports Medicine besides writing regularly on running, health and fitness in national newspapers like Mint, Hindustan Times and The Hindu. Oh yes, and I am just finishing a book on pain as well (released in Nov 2016). I like to call myself a student of running and pain.
Maybe I forgot to mention, but I mentor a lot of folks for running. It might surprise you but over these past few months I have been struggling to run. Running happens to be the only one that knows me really well, has done for over three decades. Off late I am almost scared to run alone because I don’t feel I am strong enough to face running on my own. Nights are obviously not my favourite part of the day.
Yes, like Hope, I am standing on the rock bottom. Right now it’s takes a lot more effort to do regular stuff. I really hope it’s a rock because I need to bounce back as I am in the process of doing something phenomenal, and no lesser.
No one might end up reading this but I feel relieved just having penned it down. We all have our demons. Our own sufferings are the worst out there as we need to face them and live with them. Now I’ll get back to writing my book and you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, for yourself.
“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”
Today:
Ha! And I thought that was a bad phase.
I apologise if you were looking for me to give you a happy ending or a solution.
And no, I’m not done, not just yet.
